A meeting at the UN between heads of state, academics, media executives and arts union officials produced a vote to terminate culture, effective immediately.
“No more can we tolerate this unnatural scourge,” declared Secretary General Antonio Guterres.
“Culture ends today, all across the globe.”
Blocked from social media, departing US President Donald Trump texted his Chief of Staff: “I never knew what people saw in it.”
Ray Pointdexter, chair of sociology at MIT, believes the decision merely codifies default positions of most institutions:
“Partisan brawling, ironic war on terror and financial malaise had to be pinned on something and culture finally came to terms with being inherently pathetic. Naturally this took decades of increasingly honest self-appraisal and culminated in voluntary euthanasia.”
The historic announcement left many, like Ben Hart of Maine, perplexed as to why social and traditional media continue updating: “The hell is even going on?”
His partner June replied, “Just because it’s media content doesn’t mean there’s any culture in it.”
The text of the resolution will not be public, but featured in a video which left two-thirds of voting attendees persuaded that culture was beyond redemption.
One leaked frame in a dissenter’s photo said it always triggered somebody.
Another refers to “toxic inheritance” under the heading ‘9. Oppressive Propagation of Manifold Unjust Notions’.
Renowned figures including Noam Chomsky detailed concerns about “cancel culture” in their open letter from July, which occasioned only critique for its offensive signatures.
An intelligence executive spoke anonymously of this: “Every underwritten name warrants appreciation as it shows who to cancel next.”
Queried on likely outcomes for Raytheon, CEO Thomas Kennedy said, “It’s refreshing when the UN acts without detriment to the international arms community.”
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo was even more upbeat. “Culture has gone but America will always be a force for good. Indeed evil will shortly vanish because nothing remains to impede our extermination of enemies, be they domestic or abroad, conceptual or corporeal.”
When asked how any nation can be special without culture, he directed an aide to tap phones with the enquirer, scheduling coordinated responses.
Philosopher Slavoy Zizek advised a Yale audience that “dominant influence of Foucault and Derrida ensured it was only a matter of time before deconstruction levelled all thought.”
Pam Wright lauded this observation with a few other graduates over drinks. “Here’s to lateral opportunity! We often signal the virtue of zero tolerance but hierarchies of logic and logistics are actually getting destroyed. At long last humanity is escaping all that scum.”
Such optimism looks to prevail, as Twitter activity reflects hopes of liberty, equality and fraternity ensuing from the worldwide comprehensive ban on culture.